1. I will never again poke holes in the fatuous arguments of dumb-assed lefties. Instead I will learn to feel empathy for their sad, lost souls and for their misguided views on the ugliness of humanity. Cheer up comrades.
2. I will support the Australian pharmaceutical industry and purchase supplies of sleeping pills. Reading Paul Krugman’s Conscience of a Liberal has resolved my insomnia over the past month with only about 2 pages of reading per night. But enough is enough. Australian jobs in big pharma are at stake here.
3. I will lose 20 kgm in weight and reduce my golf handicap to less than 9. I played appalling golf today in Melbourne's record New Year’s Eve heat of 42 degrees C and afterwards drank the clubhouse dry of low carb beer. I cannot afford these sorts of tabs and there is a still unfinished national drought. Mitigating climate change will reduce golf handicaps and restore needed supplies of low carb beer.
4. I will never post again justifying the revoking of Haneef’s visa or debunking David Hick’s place as a hero of the Australian lunatic left. Even lunatics need their heroes and Haneef’s connections with his terrorist cousins would never require any brain-dead leftist government to even exhibit caution. The world as it is grinds into grim vision!
5. I will not obsess on Kevin Rudd’s ear wax consumption. He is now our PM and cannot spend all his time saying his prayers and reminiscing with his millionaire wife on how he had to sleep in the back of a car after he was kicked out of his home as a kid. Sometimes even boring ex-bureaucrats get the munchies.
6. I will never again get irritated by Homer’s puns or being sworn at by Yobbo.
7. I will cease applying the ‘nonsense test’ to bigoted Islam although I will continue to apply it to all other aspects of thought and life. 'Does that sound right?' should not apply to non-Anglo-Celtic absolutes?
8. I will have accumulated, by the end of 2008, the combined wealth of Bill Gates and Warren Buffett, the spiritual wisdom of the Dalai Lama and the intellectual wisdom of all pre-existing sages. I will have the physique of Chuck Norris, the political skills of Bill Clinton and a harem in Bondi consisting of all the beauty and intelligence-optimised females in Australia aged from 16-50 years. I will also write a best-selling novel that will be snapped up by Hollywood for a feature film starring Stacy Keach and Cher.
9. I will get myself a new Sony laptop - one of those fashion accessory types.
10. I will win an award on Club Troppo’s blog posts of the year and have my blog syndicated in every major international newspaper and Rolling Stone. My hits per day will hit the billion mark.
11. I will introduce the Pope at World Youth Week. No, I won’t do that.
12. I will exercise each morning for 2 hours while reciting the Hare Krishna mantra, reading the Tibetan Book of the Dead and communicating with the great abyss. I will prepare to live forever.
Putting my shoulder to the wheel. 2008 will be a better year than the already excellent 2007. I hope your's goes well too.